The Best UT Jokes of all time Did you hear about the UT fan who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it until she's fourteen.
What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a UT fan?
The good ol' boy raises livestock.
The UT fan gets emotionally involved.
How do you know when you're staying in a Knoxville hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."
How can you tell if a UT fan is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Knoxville to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Knoxville?
A documentary.
How many UT fans does it take eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.
Where was the toothbrush invented?
Knoxville. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.
Tennessee State trooper pulls over an orange and white pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"
Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to Knoxville?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Did you hear that the UT President's home was burned down?
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.
A new law recently passed in Knoxville:
When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.
What's the best thing to ever come out of Knoxville?
I-40.West
What do you get when you have 32 UT fans in the same room?
A full set of teeth
Why do UT football players wear button-fly jeans?
So the sheep won't hear the zipper.
Somebody yelled "Hoe-down" and all the UT cheerleaders hit the floor.
What is the difference between a UT fan and a puppy?
A puppy eventually stops whining.
Why do Tennessee fans wear orange all weekend?
Because they can wear it huntin' on Friday, to Neyland Stadium on Saturday, and to pick up trash by the side of the road on Sunday.
Why don't they teach drivers education and sex educaton on the same day at UT?
They don't want to wear out the mule.
What's the difference between UT men and UT coeds?
The men can spit further.
How do you come to own a small business in Tennessee?
Start a large business and put a UT grad in charge of it.
What is the most common line used by an UT alum?
Would you like fries with that?
What's the best road sign in Knoxville, TN?
Nashville, 177 miles
#1 Lie Told in Knoxville:
I was just helping that sheep over the fence!!!!!
Hear about the UT students that were 2 hours late to class?
The escalator was stuck....
Did you hear about the Vol that broke his leg raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree.
Why does the Tennessee football team wear uniforms made out of polyester?
No virgin wool within a hundred miles of Knoxville!
Why does a UT grad place his diploma on the dashboard?
So he can park in a handicapped zone!
What do you call a drug ring in Knoxville?
A huddle.
What do UT grads call Vanderbilt grads?
BOSS!
The UT football team was placed in a remedial English class. The professor asked the class, "Does anyone know what comes after a sentence?" All of the players raised their hands. "The appeal," they shouted..
What's the number one pickup line in Knoxville?
Nice Tooth.
Two UT football players and a UT basketball player are all in the same car. Who's driving?
The sheriff..
How many UT students does it take to change a tire?
Only one, but he gets four hours credit and it counts as a lab science.
How many UT freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
None, it's a sophomore course.
What does the average UT football player get on his S.A.T.'s?
Drool.
Tennessee Entrance Exam - Football Edition
Time Limit: 3 WKS
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions - OR - give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
a. build a bridge
b. sail the ocean
c. lead an army or
d. WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
a. Jewish
b. Catholic
c. Hindu
d. Polish
e. Agnostic
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
a. Westerners
b. Southerners
c. Northerners
9. Spell -- Bush, Carter or Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
a. Macy's
b. a 7-11
c. Canada
d. the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
a. yes
b. no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium - OR - spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
a. New York
b. Florida
c. Canada
d. Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The University of Tennessee tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
a. B.C.
b. A.D.
c. still waiting
*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify
A Vanderbilt fan and a Tennessee fan were fighting side-by-side in World War II, and both were captured and sentenced to die by firing squad. The Tennessee man was stood up before the firing squad and the guard asked him if he had any last request. He thought for a second, then asked them to play Rocky Top one last time. They asked the Vanderbilt fan for his last request and he said, "Shoot me first."
One day a teacher asked her class, "How many of you like the Vols?" All of the class raised their hands except for one little girl.
The teacher asked, "If you don't like the Vols, whom do you like?"
The little girl said, "I like the Commodores!"
The teacher then asked her why she liked the Commodores. The girl replied, "My Mommy is a Commodore and my Daddy is a Commodore so that makes me a Commodore!"
The teacher then asked," Well, if your Mommy was a moron and your Daddy was a moron what would that make you?"
The little girl said," That would make me a Vol!
UT has considered changing its fight song from "Rocky Top" to "Jailhouse Rock."
The NCAA has moved a branch office to the UT campus to cut down on travel expenses.
A tornado recently hit Knoxville and did $2 million worth of improvement.
Happiness is seeing Knoxville, Tennessee in your rearview mirror.
UT basketball players can do practically everything with the ball but sign it.
What is orange and white, 100 yards long and has two front teeth?
The front row at Neyland Stadium
A good season at UT means not being investigated by the NCAA.
Will Rogers obviously never met Phil Fulmer.
Some people think "007" refers to the GPA of the UT football team.
Last year's UT homecoming queen was so ugly that when they took her to the top of the Hill, she was attacked by a plane.
The only thing that could make the UT team happier than winning the national championship is if they made shoplifting legal.
The UT football team recently voted The Price is Right their favorite show because it reminds them so much of their recruitment.
The Knoxville police often borrow UT players for lineups to make the setting more realistic.
Did you hear about the Nashville politician who was found dead in a Tennessee jersey?
The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarrassment.
Did you hear about the UT football player who was such a poor reader that he belonged to the Page of the Month club?
Did you hear about the UT fan who was so obnoxious that when he talks to his plants... they turn away?
Did you hear about the Vol who was such a slow reader he had to go back to the optometrist the second time to finish the eye chart?
Did you hear about the new parachute developed at UT? It opens on impact.
Two UT football players were preparing for a math exam. One asked the other, "How many degrees are there in a circle?" After considerable thought the second asked, "How big is the circle?"
A Vol fan decides to raise chickens. So, he goes to the feed store and buys some chicks. He takes the chicks home, and plants them with their heads sticking up. He waters them, but they die.
He goes back to the feed store and tells the proprietor that he bought defective chicks, and gets another set. This time he plants them with their heads sticking down. He waters them, but they die.
He then sends a letter to University of Tennessee Agriculture Department, describing the problem. They send a letter back asking for a soil sample.
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Hey bartender, I know a great UT joke. You want to hear it?" The bartender says, "Well, before you tell it I should probably tell you that I went to UT. And you see those two big guys sitting next to you -- they were linebackers for the Vol football team. And those two guys on your other side -- they're Marines, and they used to be in the ROTC at UT. Now, are you sure you really want to tell that UT joke?"
The guys thinks and says "No, I'd hate to explain it five times."
How do you get a one armed Vol out of a tree?
Wave.
You have just received the "Volunteer Virus" !!!!! Since we don't know how to write programs yet, this virus works on the honor system. Please delete all files from your hard drive and forward this to everyone on your mailing list. Thanks for your cooperation...... University of Tennessee, Computer Science Dept.
What happened to the UT hockey team?
They drowned in spring training
Did you hear about the Florida Gator that transferred to UT?
He raised the IQ of both schools!
What do you call 144 UT fans? Gross Ignorance!
What's the UT cheer? "I'm a Vol , I'm a Vol, I'm a V.O.....ah, oh well.. I'm a Vol, I'm a Vol, yea yea yea..."
A Vol grad got a job at an east Tennessee sawmill. Just before lunch on his first day, he lost a finger. When asked how he lost it, he replied, "I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...Damn! There goes another one!"
Why don't UT coeds make love with the lights on? Because it runs down the battery on the pickup.
What's the difference between a porcupine and Neyland Stadium?
A porcupine has ****** on the outside.
Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a Tennessee fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do?
A. Shoot the UT fan - twice.
What do you call a female Vol fan who takes birth control pills?
A humanitarian.
Why are rectal thermometers banned in Knoxville?
They cause too much brain damage.
How do you know when you are near Knoxville?
When you honk your horn, all the sheep back up to the fence.
Did you hear about the Vol who got killed while hunting?
He bent down to examine some tracks and got hit by a train!
Three SEC fans were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. The first one, a Alabama fan was placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!"
The firing squad fell into a panic and the Alabama fan jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.
The second person, a Florida fan was placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and the Florida fan pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given the fan yelled out "Tornado!"
Again the squad fell apart and the Florida fan slipped over the wall.
The last person, a UT fan, was placed against the wall. He was thinking "I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall."
He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled.........................
"Fire!"
http://mb14.scout.com/fvanderbiltfrm12.showMessage?topicID=110.topic:biggrin2:
She can't touch it until she's fourteen.
What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a UT fan?
The good ol' boy raises livestock.
The UT fan gets emotionally involved.
How do you know when you're staying in a Knoxville hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."
How can you tell if a UT fan is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Knoxville to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Knoxville?
A documentary.
How many UT fans does it take eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.
Where was the toothbrush invented?
Knoxville. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.
Tennessee State trooper pulls over an orange and white pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"
Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to Knoxville?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Did you hear that the UT President's home was burned down?
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.
A new law recently passed in Knoxville:
When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.
What's the best thing to ever come out of Knoxville?
I-40.West
What do you get when you have 32 UT fans in the same room?
A full set of teeth
Why do UT football players wear button-fly jeans?
So the sheep won't hear the zipper.
Somebody yelled "Hoe-down" and all the UT cheerleaders hit the floor.
What is the difference between a UT fan and a puppy?
A puppy eventually stops whining.
Why do Tennessee fans wear orange all weekend?
Because they can wear it huntin' on Friday, to Neyland Stadium on Saturday, and to pick up trash by the side of the road on Sunday.
Why don't they teach drivers education and sex educaton on the same day at UT?
They don't want to wear out the mule.
What's the difference between UT men and UT coeds?
The men can spit further.
How do you come to own a small business in Tennessee?
Start a large business and put a UT grad in charge of it.
What is the most common line used by an UT alum?
Would you like fries with that?
What's the best road sign in Knoxville, TN?
Nashville, 177 miles
#1 Lie Told in Knoxville:
I was just helping that sheep over the fence!!!!!
Hear about the UT students that were 2 hours late to class?
The escalator was stuck....
Did you hear about the Vol that broke his leg raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree.
Why does the Tennessee football team wear uniforms made out of polyester?
No virgin wool within a hundred miles of Knoxville!
Why does a UT grad place his diploma on the dashboard?
So he can park in a handicapped zone!
What do you call a drug ring in Knoxville?
A huddle.
What do UT grads call Vanderbilt grads?
BOSS!
The UT football team was placed in a remedial English class. The professor asked the class, "Does anyone know what comes after a sentence?" All of the players raised their hands. "The appeal," they shouted..
What's the number one pickup line in Knoxville?
Nice Tooth.
Two UT football players and a UT basketball player are all in the same car. Who's driving?
The sheriff..
How many UT students does it take to change a tire?
Only one, but he gets four hours credit and it counts as a lab science.
How many UT freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
None, it's a sophomore course.
What does the average UT football player get on his S.A.T.'s?
Drool.
Tennessee Entrance Exam - Football Edition
Time Limit: 3 WKS
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions - OR - give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
a. build a bridge
b. sail the ocean
c. lead an army or
d. WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
a. Jewish
b. Catholic
c. Hindu
d. Polish
e. Agnostic
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
a. Westerners
b. Southerners
c. Northerners
9. Spell -- Bush, Carter or Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
a. Macy's
b. a 7-11
c. Canada
d. the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
a. yes
b. no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium - OR - spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
a. New York
b. Florida
c. Canada
d. Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The University of Tennessee tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
a. B.C.
b. A.D.
c. still waiting
*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify
A Vanderbilt fan and a Tennessee fan were fighting side-by-side in World War II, and both were captured and sentenced to die by firing squad. The Tennessee man was stood up before the firing squad and the guard asked him if he had any last request. He thought for a second, then asked them to play Rocky Top one last time. They asked the Vanderbilt fan for his last request and he said, "Shoot me first."
One day a teacher asked her class, "How many of you like the Vols?" All of the class raised their hands except for one little girl.
The teacher asked, "If you don't like the Vols, whom do you like?"
The little girl said, "I like the Commodores!"
The teacher then asked her why she liked the Commodores. The girl replied, "My Mommy is a Commodore and my Daddy is a Commodore so that makes me a Commodore!"
The teacher then asked," Well, if your Mommy was a moron and your Daddy was a moron what would that make you?"
The little girl said," That would make me a Vol!
UT has considered changing its fight song from "Rocky Top" to "Jailhouse Rock."
The NCAA has moved a branch office to the UT campus to cut down on travel expenses.
A tornado recently hit Knoxville and did $2 million worth of improvement.
Happiness is seeing Knoxville, Tennessee in your rearview mirror.
UT basketball players can do practically everything with the ball but sign it.
What is orange and white, 100 yards long and has two front teeth?
The front row at Neyland Stadium
A good season at UT means not being investigated by the NCAA.
Will Rogers obviously never met Phil Fulmer.
Some people think "007" refers to the GPA of the UT football team.
Last year's UT homecoming queen was so ugly that when they took her to the top of the Hill, she was attacked by a plane.
The only thing that could make the UT team happier than winning the national championship is if they made shoplifting legal.
The UT football team recently voted The Price is Right their favorite show because it reminds them so much of their recruitment.
The Knoxville police often borrow UT players for lineups to make the setting more realistic.
Did you hear about the Nashville politician who was found dead in a Tennessee jersey?
The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarrassment.
Did you hear about the UT football player who was such a poor reader that he belonged to the Page of the Month club?
Did you hear about the UT fan who was so obnoxious that when he talks to his plants... they turn away?
Did you hear about the Vol who was such a slow reader he had to go back to the optometrist the second time to finish the eye chart?
Did you hear about the new parachute developed at UT? It opens on impact.
Two UT football players were preparing for a math exam. One asked the other, "How many degrees are there in a circle?" After considerable thought the second asked, "How big is the circle?"
A Vol fan decides to raise chickens. So, he goes to the feed store and buys some chicks. He takes the chicks home, and plants them with their heads sticking up. He waters them, but they die.
He goes back to the feed store and tells the proprietor that he bought defective chicks, and gets another set. This time he plants them with their heads sticking down. He waters them, but they die.
He then sends a letter to University of Tennessee Agriculture Department, describing the problem. They send a letter back asking for a soil sample.
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Hey bartender, I know a great UT joke. You want to hear it?" The bartender says, "Well, before you tell it I should probably tell you that I went to UT. And you see those two big guys sitting next to you -- they were linebackers for the Vol football team. And those two guys on your other side -- they're Marines, and they used to be in the ROTC at UT. Now, are you sure you really want to tell that UT joke?"
The guys thinks and says "No, I'd hate to explain it five times."
How do you get a one armed Vol out of a tree?
Wave.
You have just received the "Volunteer Virus" !!!!! Since we don't know how to write programs yet, this virus works on the honor system. Please delete all files from your hard drive and forward this to everyone on your mailing list. Thanks for your cooperation...... University of Tennessee, Computer Science Dept.
What happened to the UT hockey team?
They drowned in spring training
Did you hear about the Florida Gator that transferred to UT?
He raised the IQ of both schools!
What do you call 144 UT fans? Gross Ignorance!
What's the UT cheer? "I'm a Vol , I'm a Vol, I'm a V.O.....ah, oh well.. I'm a Vol, I'm a Vol, yea yea yea..."
A Vol grad got a job at an east Tennessee sawmill. Just before lunch on his first day, he lost a finger. When asked how he lost it, he replied, "I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...Damn! There goes another one!"
Why don't UT coeds make love with the lights on? Because it runs down the battery on the pickup.
What's the difference between a porcupine and Neyland Stadium?
A porcupine has ****** on the outside.
Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a Tennessee fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do?
A. Shoot the UT fan - twice.
What do you call a female Vol fan who takes birth control pills?
A humanitarian.
Why are rectal thermometers banned in Knoxville?
They cause too much brain damage.
How do you know when you are near Knoxville?
When you honk your horn, all the sheep back up to the fence.
Did you hear about the Vol who got killed while hunting?
He bent down to examine some tracks and got hit by a train!
Three SEC fans were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. The first one, a Alabama fan was placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!"
The firing squad fell into a panic and the Alabama fan jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.
The second person, a Florida fan was placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and the Florida fan pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given the fan yelled out "Tornado!"
Again the squad fell apart and the Florida fan slipped over the wall.
The last person, a UT fan, was placed against the wall. He was thinking "I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall."
He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled.........................
"Fire!"
http://mb14.scout.com/fvanderbiltfrm12.showMessage?topicID=110.topic:biggrin2:
