For all of us guys that have teenage daughters....
1) If you pull into my driveway and honk, you better be delivering a package. You sure aren't picking up anything.
2) You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not stare at anything below her neck. iF you cannot keep your hands off of my daughter, I will remove them.
3) I am aware that it is considered fashionable these days for you and all your friends to wear their trousers three sizes too big and barely hanging around your waists. Please don't take this as an insult, but you AND your friends are idiots. Still, I want to be open-minded and fair about the issue, so I propose this compromise--You may come to the door with your pants hanging below your underwear and ten sizes too big, but to ensure that your clothes do not come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will personally take my electric nail gun and fasten your pants securely to your waist.
4) I'm sure you've been told that, in today's world, sex without a 'barrier method' can kill you. Allow me to elaborate--when it comes to sex, I AM the barrier, and I most assuredly WILL kill you.
5) It is usually understood that, for us to get to know one another, we need to talk about politics, sports, and the other events of the day. Please do not do this. The only information that I need from you is when you will have my daughter safely back home, and the ONLY acceptable answer on your part is: "Early".
6) I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow, with opportunities to date other girls. That is fine with me as long as it is ok with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with her, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
7) As you wait for my daughter in the hallway, do not sigh or fidget. IF you wanted to be on time for the movie, then you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup and fixing her hair, a process that can take longer than painting the golden gate bridge. Instead of just standing there the whole time, why not do something useful like ... volunteer to cut my lawn or change the oil in my car? Hey, you need to be on my good side...
8) The following places are NOT appropriate places for dates with my daughter--places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there are dancing, holding hands, or in a parked car. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, strapless tops, midriff t-shirts, or anything else other than overalls, a goose down parka-zipped to the throat. Movies with a strong romantic theme or sexual theme are no-gos also. Movies which feature chainsaws are ok. Sporting events are ok. Old folks homes are fine too.
9) Do not ly to me. I may appear to be out of shape, gray, old, and 'out of touch' with today's world but, when it comes to issues with my daughter, I am the 'all knowing' merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one opportunity to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not try to BS me.
10) Be afraid, be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car from a helicopter flying in over the sands of Iraq. When my post traumatic stress disorder syndrome starts acting up, my head frequently tells me to the clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you exit the car, you should have both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a loud, clear voice that you have returned my daughter safely and early, and then return to your car. Their is no need for you to come in the house at that point. The guy with the camouflage on staring out the window watching your every move is mine.....
1) If you pull into my driveway and honk, you better be delivering a package. You sure aren't picking up anything.
2) You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not stare at anything below her neck. iF you cannot keep your hands off of my daughter, I will remove them.
3) I am aware that it is considered fashionable these days for you and all your friends to wear their trousers three sizes too big and barely hanging around your waists. Please don't take this as an insult, but you AND your friends are idiots. Still, I want to be open-minded and fair about the issue, so I propose this compromise--You may come to the door with your pants hanging below your underwear and ten sizes too big, but to ensure that your clothes do not come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will personally take my electric nail gun and fasten your pants securely to your waist.
4) I'm sure you've been told that, in today's world, sex without a 'barrier method' can kill you. Allow me to elaborate--when it comes to sex, I AM the barrier, and I most assuredly WILL kill you.
5) It is usually understood that, for us to get to know one another, we need to talk about politics, sports, and the other events of the day. Please do not do this. The only information that I need from you is when you will have my daughter safely back home, and the ONLY acceptable answer on your part is: "Early".
6) I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow, with opportunities to date other girls. That is fine with me as long as it is ok with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with her, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
7) As you wait for my daughter in the hallway, do not sigh or fidget. IF you wanted to be on time for the movie, then you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup and fixing her hair, a process that can take longer than painting the golden gate bridge. Instead of just standing there the whole time, why not do something useful like ... volunteer to cut my lawn or change the oil in my car? Hey, you need to be on my good side...
8) The following places are NOT appropriate places for dates with my daughter--places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there are dancing, holding hands, or in a parked car. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, strapless tops, midriff t-shirts, or anything else other than overalls, a goose down parka-zipped to the throat. Movies with a strong romantic theme or sexual theme are no-gos also. Movies which feature chainsaws are ok. Sporting events are ok. Old folks homes are fine too.
9) Do not ly to me. I may appear to be out of shape, gray, old, and 'out of touch' with today's world but, when it comes to issues with my daughter, I am the 'all knowing' merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one opportunity to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not try to BS me.
10) Be afraid, be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car from a helicopter flying in over the sands of Iraq. When my post traumatic stress disorder syndrome starts acting up, my head frequently tells me to the clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you exit the car, you should have both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a loud, clear voice that you have returned my daughter safely and early, and then return to your car. Their is no need for you to come in the house at that point. The guy with the camouflage on staring out the window watching your every move is mine.....
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