*official off-season joke thread* (was Auburn Farmer)

Crimson Elephant

Scout Team
Aug 1, 2000
118
0
0
Gaffney, SC
:biggrin:A farmer from Auburn dies and, being a heathen,
goes to Hell. When he gets there its 95 F with 90%
humidity, but Satan notices he's kicked back on the
brimstone relaxing comfortably. He asks, "Why
aren't you miserable like everyone else here?" The farmer replies, "Oh, this is like a warm spring day in
Auburn. I like it. " Angry, Satan turns up
the thermostat until its 100 F and 95% humidity.
Still, the farmer's happy. "This is like a
good June day on the farm. Not bad at all."
Furious, Satan turns it up to 105 F and 99% humidity.
Everyone is even more miserable, except the farmer from
Auburn still resting. "Hey, this is
like a good August day on the farm bailing hay. Feels
good the hotter the better." In a total rage,
Satan turns the thermostat down to minus 25 F.
Within seconds, the air becomes chilly and frost appears,
soon followed by solid ice everywhere. Satan smirks,
watching the farmer. The confused farmer looks
down at the frozen ground for a moment,suddenly jumps up
excitedly, looks around everywhere and begins to laugh,
scream, and jump for joy.
"THE TIGERS WON A NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP!"
 

crimsonaudio

Administrator
Staff member
Sep 9, 2002
68,949
84,919
462
crimsonaudio.net
Why do Georgia football players like smart women?
Opposites attract.

Why was O.J. considering moving to Arkansas?
Everyone’s DNA there is the same.

How come LSU football players won’t drive a Japanese car?
They don’t think they’ll understand what’s said on the radio.

Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday and wear it to pick up trash on Monday.

How do you get a former Ole Miss football player off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.

An Alabama fan and a Tennessee fan, fighting side-by-side were captured during World War II and sentenced to die by firing squad. The enemy commander asked the Tennessee fan if he had any last requests. The Vol said, “I want to hear Rocky Top one last time.” The Bama fan was then asked if he had any last requests. “Yes, shoot me first!”

A man is sitting at a park bench when another man sits next to him and they engage in conversation. Shortly after, the second man says, “So, I bet you’re a Tennessee fan.” The first man says enthusiastically, “Why yes I am. How did you know? My intelligence? My wit? My good looks?” The second fellow says, “No. I saw your class ring when you were picking your nose.”

A scrawny man at a bar in Auburn says to the guy sitting next to him, “Hey, you want to hear a really funny Auburn joke?” The guy replies, “Hey buddy. See the bartender? He played at Auburn. See those two huge guys to your left? They played at Auburn. See that group of big guys over at that table? All Auburn football players. Look at me. I’m 6’4, 235 and played at Auburn. Now are you sure you want to tell me your joke?”
The scrawny man says, “Nah. I don’t want to have to explain and repeat it 5 times.”

How can you spot a Tennessee fan at a wedding?
Just look for the guy in the orange T-shirt.

What does the average Mississippi State player get on his SAT’s?
Drool.

How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?
Tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.

How many Auburn football players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. And they each get three credits.

Steve Spurrier comes into the locker room before practice and says to his star receiver, "You’re failing math. If you don’t want to become academically ineligible you’ll have to answer these math questions correctly." The star receiver agrees and Spurrier asks him "What does 4 plus 4 equal?”
"Eleven” says the athlete. The rest of the team pleads, “give him another chance! give him another chance!”
Spurrier then asks, "What does 2 plus 2 equal?" and the receiver says "Four". The rest of the team yells give him another chance! give him another chance!”

How many Florida freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That’s a sophomore course.

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
A full set of teeth.

Why is Auburn considering replacing the football field's real grass with artificial turf?
So the cheerleaders won’t graze.

What are the longest three years of a Tennessee football player’s life?
Freshman year.

If you are driving and see a Tennessee football player riding a bicycle, why should you take great care in not hitting him?
It could be your bike.

You are stuck in a cave with an angry grizzly bear, a mountain lion and an LSU fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the LSU fan….twice.

What do you get if you see an Florida fan buried up to his neck in sand?
More sand.

The Alabama fan was complaining to his friend about his wife. He said, “My wife thinks I put the Crimson Tide ahead of our marriage. I disagree. We just celebrated our fourth season together.”

How come football isn’t a religion this season in the SEC?
It was put on probation.

How do you get a Auburn cheerleader into your dorm room?
Grease her hips and push.

Why do Mississippi State football players put their diplomas on the dashboard?
So they can park in a handicapped spot.

Why do Georgia football players go to movies in groups of 18 or more?
17 and under not admitted.

What is the most common phrase used by a former Ole Miss football player?
Would you like fries with that?

What do you call a genius sitting in the Arkansas student section?
Visitor.

A young boy and his mother were in the cemetery visiting the grave of a loved one. They came upon a headstone that read, “Here lies an LSU graduate and an honest man.” The boy then asked his mother, “Mommy, why did they bury two men in there?”

Why did they build a new automobile factory near the University of Arkansas?
Because of the endless supply of crash test dummies down the street.

How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk?
The cow fell on him.

What’s the difference between a litter of puppies and Steve Spurrier?
Puppies stop whining after 8 weeks.

Two Auburn football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, “Look, a dead bird.”
The other looked up in the sky and said, “Where?”

An Auburn football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horse back riding accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death. Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.

A Tennessee football player was bragging to a group of co-eds that he finished a jigsaw puzzle in only 3 months. One girl said, “Three months? You’re proud of that?” The Vol said, “Yep. On the box it said 4-6 years.”

What do you say to a Tennessee football player dressed in a three piece suit?
Will the defendant please rise.

What’s the difference between n Auburn cheerleader and an elephant?
A couple of hundred pounds.

How can you tell when its homecoming weekend at Georgia?
The cheerleaders have braided their armpit hair.

A man inherited over one billion dollars from a long lost uncle who happened to be an oil baron. The man, thrilled at his good fortune, asked his young son what he wanted. He told his child that money was no object. The boy said he wanted a Mickey Mouse outfit. So the man bought him the University of Tennessee.

What do you call an Auburn football player with a National Championship ring?
Thief.

What do you call a 200 pound Auburn cheerleader?
Anorexic.

If three Tennessee football players are in a car, who is driving?
The police officer.

How can you tell the female student who is a college football fan from the north from the female student who is a college football fan from the south?
The female student from the north is a physics major who understands Sylvia Plath. The female student from the south is a Miss USA contestant and understands the west coast offense.

How come female college football fans in the south don’t carry wallets?
That’s what dates are for.
 
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BamaFanatJSU

1st Team
Apr 24, 2008
749
364
87
Rainbow City, AL
Two Alabama fans were in the cab of a truck, and an Auburn fan was riding in the bed. While crossing a bridge, the truck was struck by a drunk driver, crashed through the guard rail, and plunged into the river below. Both Alabama fans quickly rolled down the windows and escaped to safety, but the Auburn fan was nowhere to be found. After a few minutes, the Auburn fan finally surfaced, and when the Bama fans asked him what took him so long, he replied, "Sorry, it took me a minute to get the tailgate open!"
 

Bama Shadow

BamaNation Citizen
Sep 12, 2005
79
0
0
52
Florence, AL
Thanx a ton yall, I am hurtin from laffin.

Whats dumber than 3 UT fans building a house under water ? 3 AU fans tried to burn it down.
 

Moon Winx

Suspended
Mar 10, 2008
142
0
0
Why do they pile cow manure on the Allbarn sidelines at Jordan Hare?
Keep the flies off the cheerleaders.
 
A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?
 

tupelosusan

1st Team
Jul 12, 2007
351
0
0
today at work i had the chance to tell 2 tn fans the orange joke and 1 ole miss fan the fries joke.they do not know that i have plenty of backup now:biggrin:
 

Ironhead Bret

1st Team
Mar 10, 2007
409
0
0
Recently Tubby had the honor of taking the player with the highest GPA on the team to a banquet. On the trip up Tubby stopped the car telling the player that they need to check the blinkers because he thought they were messed up. He instructed the young man to stand at the back of the car and watch the lights for him. Tubby yelled at the young man and asked him if the blinker was working. The young man replied" Now it is! Now it Ain't! Now it is! Now it Ain't!." RTR
 

nathan

1st Team
May 17, 2006
403
0
0
Huntsville, AL
An auburn fan and a bama fan both walked into a public restroom. When they were done the auburn fellow walked to the sink to wash his hands and said to the bama fan "At auburn they teach us to wash our hands after urinating." The bama fan replied "At Alabama they teach us not to pee all over our hands."

Did you hear about the fire at auburn that burned the library to the ground? They said it was a shame- three of the books weren't even colored in yet.

Two auburn fans were arguing about distance. One asked "Which do you think is closer- Florida or the moon?" The other replied "Hello? Can you see Florida?"

How do you break an auburn fans finger? Punch him in the nose.

What do virgin auburn cheerleaders eat? Baby food.