Make me laugh out loud! (pictures/jokes)

[bayoutider]

BANNED FROM WAL-MART


Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.. '

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M &M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ' M adonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13.. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least .

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

 

[Rueben]

 

[bayoutider]

 

[bayoutider]

 

[bayoutider]

Summer Classes for Men at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Friday, September 26th 2009
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
On-line Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

 

[exiledNms]

 

[exiledNms]

WHY MEN SHOULD NEVER TAKE PHONE MESSAGES

 

[Leviathan]

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" And on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.

Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go
upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN DON'T YOU EVER STOP"??!!

 

[Leviathan]

Loving Husband Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really ticked off at him.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway
that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there
was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused,
The wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box
back in the house.


She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.


Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

 

[CrimsonSEC]

I'm going to have to clean this one up a little bit. Use your imagination as to what the real words are.




When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right ****ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an butthole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'butthole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an butthole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'butthole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program? "He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an butthole!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first butthole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW butthole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an butthole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two buttholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called butthole #1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an butthole!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make me," He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "butthole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, butthole," and hung up.

Then I called butthole #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, butthole," He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ***," I answered, "Well, butthole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my male lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two buttholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.

 

[Bamaman-n-KS]

� href="http://:biggrin:

 

[bayoutider]

A man was fishing. He began his outing with a 25kg Kingfish on the firstdrop and a 20 lb snapper on the second. On the third drop he had just scored his first ever King Terakihi when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving, what was shaping up to be, his best ever fishing trip. He decided to get in a couple of more drifts before heading to the hospital. He ended up catching several personal bests, limited out on three species and all in all, had his best days fishing by far. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and kept fishing didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the ocean, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished the fishing because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor snickered and said, "Just messing with you." "She's dead.
What'd you catch?"

 

[Leviathan]

Old classic....

 

[bmcklv]

7..................Losses that is

People's Champions

And My FAVORITE

 

[nasatidefan]

A classic.

 

[Rollintide80]

 

[bayoutider]

Farrah, Michael, and Billy Mays in heaven
After entering the Pearly Gates, St Peter welcomed Farrah and told her she could have one wish granted for her long suffering. Without hesitation she wished that all the children in the world would be safe!

Back on earth at that very moment Michael Jackson dropped dead.

Then, when Michael approached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asked him what he wanted. Michael said he needed someone to make a pitch for him to God.

Poor Billy Mays never knew what hit him...

 

[IH8Orange]

At the processing office in purgatory, the secretary walked to the door and called for the next newly deceased soul to come in and have a seat. An older, well dressed gentleman walked into the office and the secretary asked him to have a seat.

"I have to take a statement here describing the events leading to and the manner of your death for our records", the secretary told the seated man.

"I left my office on a Tuesday to surprise my wife, from whom I had spent much time away during merger talks at my company. I stopped by a store and bought her some candy and flowers and went to our downtown condominium. When I walked in, I found her naked in the bed with a man's clothes lying on the floor. Enraged, I searched the apartment and found the naked rook on my balcony. In a fit of rage, I tossed him 10 stories to his death, or so I thought. He made a movement while lying there in street, so I pulled our refrigerator onto the balcony and hoisted it over the rail and it crushed him. As my rage subsided, I realized what I had done and I walked into the bedroom, told my wife 'goodbye' and put a 45 caliber bullet into my skull."

"That's terrible," exclaimed the secretary. "I certainly hope that the afterlife gives you some solace."

The next man to enter the office was completely nude. He sat down and began his statement.

"I had taken the day off and took a mid-day shower. I decided to walk onto my balcony to take in the air and a sudden gust of wind blew my towel off. I lunged for it, but lost my balance and found myself hanging from the bottom of my balcony. I was able to swing myself enough to fall onto the balcony below. Suddenly, some maniac came charging out onto that balcony and tossed me over the rail. When I landed, I knew that I was badly injured, but I was still conscious. I opened my eyes and saw a refrigerator falling from the sky. The next thing I remember is being in the waiting room outside."

"Hmm... that's eerily similar to something I've heard recently, " replied the secretary. "I wish you the best."

The next man to enter the office was also nude. The secretary asked him about the details of his death.

"I don't know what happened. I was just hiding in this refrigerator..."

 

[It's On A Slab]

 

[DzynKingRTR]

good find Slab, you got me to laugh with that one.