Question about a Friend's Funeral

[Tidewater]

A friend of mine, (nice guy, classmate from high school, veteran of the 82nd Airborne Division, just retired from the National Park Service) passed away tragically with his wife in a car crash. They were both was 62.
I went to the funeral, which was held in a large church to accommodate the attendees (which turned out to be in the hundreds), not his home church.
It was a well-done service. Opened with a photo album showing his life and that of his wife. Typical funeral stuff, opening prayers, music, scripture reading, a sermon of words of comfort to the grievers, and finally something relatively recent in American culture, passing the microphone so attendees could share a favorite memory of the deceased.
At the one hour 25 minute mark, I thought they were wrapping up, but a different minister came to the podium and launched into a 45 minute fire-and-brimstone sermon, screaming, yelling. He must have screamed, "You're going to Hell!" half a dozen times. It was kind of a Billy Graham Revival sermon, but a lot angrier and a lot louder.
I was flabbergasted at how inappropriate that was at that time.
I thought a funeral should be about saying goodbye to the deceased, and assuaging the grief of his family and friends. It is one thing to say, calmly, "Our grief is mitigated somewhat by the knowledge that this man and this woman were sincere Christians and we believe they are going to a better place." Screaming at people for 45 minutes about going to the Infernal Regions just struck me as beyond the Pale.
I sat there until the end out of respect for the deceased, but other people were getting up and walking out throughout the sermon.
Am I off-base or is this not the right place for screaming about going to Hell?

 

[Toddrn]

A friend of mine, (nice guy, classmate from high school, veteran of the 82nd Airborne Division, just retired from the National Park Service) passed away tragically with his wife in a car crash. They were both was 62.
I went to the funeral, which was held in a large church to accommodate the attendees (which turned out to be in the hundreds), not his home church.
It was a well-done service. Opened with a photo album showing his life and that of his wife. Typical funeral stuff, opening prayers, music, scripture reading, a sermon of words of comfort to the grievers, and finally something relatively recent in American culture, passing the microphone so attendees could share a favorite memory of the deceased.
At the one hour 25 minute mark, I thought they were wrapping up, but a different minister came to the podium and launched into a 45 minute fire-and-brimstone sermon, screaming, yelling. He must have screamed, "You're going to Hell!" half a dozen times. It was kind of a Billy Graham Revival sermon, but a lot angrier and a lot louder.
I was flabbergasted at how inappropriate that was at that time.
I thought a funeral should be about saying goodbye to the deceased, and assuaging the grief of his family and friends. It is one thing to say, calmly, "Our grief is mitigated somewhat by the knowledge that this man and this woman were sincere Christians and we believe they are going to a better place." Screaming at people for 45 minutes about going to the Infernal Regions just struck me as beyond the Pale.
I sat there until the end out of respect for the deceased, but other people were getting up and walking out throughout the sermon.
Am I off-base or is this not the right place for screaming about going to Hell?

Sounds like a good old fashioned Southern funeral. I don't see anything wrong with it myself.

 

[rolltide_21]

I’ve conducted dozens of funerals- and yes I think that’s inappropriate. Sure, death can be sobering spiritually. I do think it’s fine to discuss the brevity and uncertainty of life tactfully. Some families (in the Bible Belt) will request that you do so. But a hard pass on the George Whitfield “In the Hands of an Angry God” approach.

And, passing the microphone bothers me no little. It’s either too long or no one shares anything. We had a teen girl in our community commit suicide about 10 years ago. She was kinda a loner. The parents requested the funeral be held in the gym. Not just a whole lot of attendees, especially for the gym. They opened it up and no one got up to share anything. It was SO uncomfortable. Finally the principal and a teacher or two got up to share something. I felt for the parents & extended family. But, at the same time, it was their idea to open it up.

 

[Tidewater]

I’ve conducted dozens of funerals- and yes I think that’s inappropriate. Sure, death can be sobering spiritually. I do think it’s fine to discuss the brevity and uncertainty of life tactfully. Some families (in the Bible Belt) will request that you do so. But a hard pass on the George Whitfield “In the Hands of an Angry God” approach.

And, passing the microphone bothers me no little. It’s either too long or no one shares anything. We had a teen girl in our community commit suicide about 10 years ago. She was kinda a loner. The parents requested the funeral be held in the gym. Not just a whole lot of attendees, especially for the gym. They opened it up and no one got up to share anything. It was SO uncomfortable. Finally the principal and a teacher or two got up to share something. I felt for the parents & extended family. But, at the same time, it was their idea to open it up.

I think that is a function of calling a funeral a "celebration of life."
I understand why this is now the custom, but we are not sending the deceased on a cruise around the Caribbean. They have died and we will never see them again in this life. Calling a funeral a "celebration of life," lends itself to a more lighthearted "Remember that time when ..." Fortunately, these two people left lots of good memories.
My own personal views about a funeral come from something George Patton said (and I'm paraphrasing here): "We should not mourn that these people died. We should be thankful that these people lived."

 

[Bodhisattva]

A friend of mine, (nice guy, classmate from high school, veteran of the 82nd Airborne Division, just retired from the National Park Service) passed away tragically with his wife in a car crash. They were both was 62.
I went to the funeral, which was held in a large church to accommodate the attendees (which turned out to be in the hundreds), not his home church.
It was a well-done service. Opened with a photo album showing his life and that of his wife. Typical funeral stuff, opening prayers, music, scripture reading, a sermon of words of comfort to the grievers, and finally something relatively recent in American culture, passing the microphone so attendees could share a favorite memory of the deceased.
At the one hour 25 minute mark, I thought they were wrapping up, but a different minister came to the podium and launched into a 45 minute fire-and-brimstone sermon, screaming, yelling. He must have screamed, "You're going to Hell!" half a dozen times. It was kind of a Billy Graham Revival sermon, but a lot angrier and a lot louder.
I was flabbergasted at how inappropriate that was at that time.
I thought a funeral should be about saying goodbye to the deceased, and assuaging the grief of his family and friends. It is one thing to say, calmly, "Our grief is mitigated somewhat by the knowledge that this man and this woman were sincere Christians and we believe they are going to a better place." Screaming at people for 45 minutes about going to the Infernal Regions just struck me as beyond the Pale.
I sat there until the end out of respect for the deceased, but other people were getting up and walking out throughout the sermon.
Am I off-base or is this not the right place for screaming about going to Hell?

I've never been to a funeral with a fire-and-brimstone sermon. That's not something I would voluntarily subject myself too under normal circumstances, much less at a time to pay my respects to a lost friend and his family. Doesn't seem appropriate to me. I guess an exception would be if said friend was comfortable with the fire-and-brimstone schtick every Sunday. Not my taste, but to each their own.

 

[oskie]

I’ve conducted dozens of funerals- and yes I think that’s inappropriate. Sure, death can be sobering spiritually. I do think it’s fine to discuss the brevity and uncertainty of life tactfully. Some families (in the Bible Belt) will request that you do so. But a hard pass on the George Whitfield “In the Hands of an Angry God” approach.
...

That sounds a whole lot like the title of the famous Jonathan Edwards sermon, Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God.

 

[Tidewater]

That sounds a whole lot like the title of the famous Jonathan Edwards sermon, Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God.

Maybe Edwards was plagiarizing Whitfield.

 

[rolltide_21]

I think that is a function of calling a funeral a "celebration of life."
I understand why this is now the custom, but we are not sending the deceased on a cruise around the Caribbean. They have died and we will never see them again in this life. Calling a funeral a "celebration of life," lends itself to a more lighthearted "Remember that time when ..." Fortunately, these two people left lots of good memories.
My own personal views about a funeral come from something George Patton said (and I'm paraphrasing here): "We should not mourn that these people died. We should be thankful that these people lived."

Funerals are for the family, not the deceased. Sure, the deceased may have made some requests beforehand (e.g., Several people have requested I do their services, assuming I outlive them), but the whole event is to comfort the grieving family. Sharing memories is comforting and reminds them of their "village" who is helping them through the grief process. I've had the unfortunate experience of seeing that backfire, though. When conducting a funeral, comforting the family must be at the forefront of your mind and be the guiding principle on how to conduct yourself and what to say (while not compromising integrity & honesty, of course- I will not lie at your funeral ).

 

[rolltide_21]

That sounds a whole lot like the title of the famous Jonathan Edwards sermon, Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God.

Thank you. You are correct. Sorry for the mix up. I was on a Zoom call when typing earlier and posting quickly.

 

[rolltide_21]

Maybe Edwards was plagiarizing Whitfield.

All sermons are plagiarized

 

[Tidewater]

Funerals are for the family, not the deceased. Sure, the deceased may have made some requests beforehand (e.g., Several people have requested I do their services, assuming I outlive them), but the whole event is to comfort the grieving family. Sharing memories is comforting and reminds them of their "village" who is helping them through the grief process. I've had the unfortunate experience of seeing that backfire, though. When conducting a funeral, comforting the family must be at the forefront of your mind and be the guiding principle on how to conduct yourself and what to say (while not compromising integrity & honesty, of course- I will not lie at your funeral ).

That was pretty much my thought.
I get the value of a "fire and brimstone" sermon in a revival ten, or on a Sunday morning, but that did not strike me as the right time or place to be screaming about the Infernal Regions, because I do not think that would comfort the families of the deceased.

 

[Bodhisattva]

"Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God". I think that was a part of my freshman lit class. However, a typo in the syllabus resulted in "Sinners in the Hands of an Angry Dog."

Me being the wise guy, I asked the prof if it should be "paws" instead of "hands."

The prof laughed and said, "Yes, of course. 'Sinners in the Paws of an Angry Dog.' I'm giving you five points extra credit for the chuckle."

 

[Toddrn]

That was pretty much my thought.
I get the value of a "fire and brimstone" sermon in a revival ten, or on a Sunday morning, but that did not strike me as the right time or place to be screaming about the Infernal Regions, because I do not think that would comfort the families of the deceased.

"Our grief is mitigated somewhat by the knowledge that this man and this woman were sincere Christians and we believe they are going to a better place." This is what comforts the family, knowing that if they also are believers they will see them again someday. The family may have told the "Fire and Brimstone" preacher that some family members in attendance never darken the doors of a church and asked him to preach the sermon he preached.

 

[Tidewater]

. The family may have told the "Fire and Brimstone" preacher that some family members in attendance never darken the doors of a church and asked him to preach the sermon he preached.

That may explain it. Thanks.
If that is what the family wanted, then have at it.
Generally, Id say this crowd was abnormally church-going, God-fearing, but there may have been some heathens here or there..

 

[Ledsteplin]

Sounded a bit much in my opinion. Firstly, 45 minutes is way too long. The first hour and 25 minutes should have sufficed. Looks like the Mr Brimstone just wanted to have his day in the limelight.

 

[Elefantman]

There are many reasons why is guy was asked to say a few thousand words. Most likely one of the survivors ask/insisted he speaks. Personally, I don't believe such a sermon is appropriate for a funeral. I feel that using fear in such a situation is not the best motivator.

 

[Bazza]

Sounded a bit much in my opinion. Firstly, 45 minutes is way too long. The first hour and 25 minutes should have sufficed. Looks like the Mr Brimstone just wanted to have his day in the limelight.

This is how I see it.

The problem (for me) isn't so much the added content but the added time.

Then again - I'm the guy whose always advocated for a 15 minute (or less) Sunday service.

TW - thanks for attending your buddy's service. Much respect, my friend.....

 

[Padreruf]

I have conducted a few hundred funerals -- this is totally inappropriate but not that surprising depending on the educational level of the minister and/or his congregation. You could say something like, "we are grateful to know that ******** was welcomed into the kingdom of God by a loving Lord. If you do not have that relationship with God, I/we would love to have a conversation with you about our faith." Much more appropriate in my eyes...

 

[Tidewater]

This is how I see it.

The problem (for me) isn't so much the added content but the added time.

Then again - I'm the guy whose always advocated for a 15 minute (or less) Sunday service.

TW - thanks for attending your buddy's service. Much respect, my friend.....

He was a good man and deserved my attention.
His nickname in the 82nd Airborne Division was "Country" because of how he talked.

 

[Crimson1967]

My wife’s uncle died a couple years ago. He was in his 80s.

So we went to the funeral. His kids got up and talked about him and that went on about 20-30 minutes. I had met her cousins a few times but didn’t know them well but hearing what they said was nice.

Then some preacher got up and started talking. It wasn’t fire and brimstone but went on nearly 45 minutes. Her brother was sitting behind us and I heard him snore. Someone yelled out for him to shut up and someone else walked out. Not a fun experience.

My wife died in October. Our son and I both spoke. A friend had put together a choir that sang three songs, one of which the congregation was asked to join in. Our minister said a few words and the whole thing was over in 30 minutes. She had been cremated and we later spread her ashes privately so there was no cemetery visit.

And she hated the term “celebration of life” so we definitely didn’t call it that.